“He loves me so. He loves me not. He loves me so. He loves me not.”
One bright yellow petal. A chance of falling head over heels. Another bright yellow petal. The chance of becoming a spinster with 6 cats (...because 7 would be just too many). Love for a kid was a simple matter of pickin’ off petals from a lonely dandelion in the grass.
And yet, with more and more online dating apps, not much is really changin’, is it?
“He’s totally into me. No, he’s not. Oh yea, he definitely is.” (Okay, so the lingo isn’t exactly the same.)
Tryin’ to fall in love in modern times still means dealin’ with doubts. The difference though, is that modern singletons now have to also face the harsh reality of “ghosting”, “bird boxing” and other questionable dating behaviour. Tinder, Bumbler, okCupid and Grindr have written out a glossary of terms for the millenial dating scene, leavin’ many to say “ what the f@!∞¢”.
So, if you’re one of those single ladies or men temptin’ your chances online to find your next soulmate (or fling), here’s a quick rundown of the newest dating terms to avoid bein’ orbited, kittenfished or zombied. And, for those of you lucky enough to be snugglin’ lubby dubby with your bf or gf on the couch, well, get a kick out of knowin’ that you two don’t have to worry about online dating any time soon (at least, we hope!).
Let’s begin with sayin’ that there are no planets, stars or anything stellar about this. Orbiting is when someone ghosts you, but keeps engagin’ with you on Instagram or Facebook. For example, a blatant orbiter may not answer your phone calls but repost that baby meme you uploaded to Instagram Stories. Co-in-kee-dink? We think not! They’re playin’ mind games and lookin’ to see if you’ll take the bait.
Kittenfishing is a watered-down version of catfishing. If catfishing implies someone pretendin’ to be a completely different person online, kittenfishing is as simple as postin’ a profile pic that’s either a bit outdated or pretty edited.
The tactics, in reality, could be harmless for all parties involved. But sometimes, as one mother said to her child, “when you tell one lie, you have to tell another”; and, too many lies can be a surefire way to create extremely awkward situations. Just imagine when your date starts asking about Renaissance artwork and you find yourself mixing Botticelli with Berlusconi. You can probably manage to ride the wave on this one, but if your date then asks you if you want to run the next marathon (because you put on your profile that you’ve already run four), it won’t be as easy to fib your way out.
Be wary of these folks; they may look cute at first, but they have a nasty bite.
You’ve been ghosted, right? No worries. It’s happened to the best.
No more text messages. No more phone calls. Your potential soulmate (at least, what you imagined up in your mind) has gone MIA. But just as you’re beginning to come to terms that this recently-found fling was just not meant to be, your mobile starts vibratin’. “Hey! Sorry about not gettin’ back to you. Want to grab drinks this weekend?”
Congratulations! You must’ve gotten the lead role in Apocalypse Z, because what you have before you is no other than a bona-fide ZOMBIE. Your date ghosted you, only to come back “from the dead” to haunt you like never before.
Like any horror movie, there’s no happy ending here. Run away!
Netflix’s latest thriller Bird box is the inspiration (or fault, dependin’ on how you see it) for this current frenzy in the online dating world. In the film, main character Sandra Bullock wears a blindfold at all times to survive a post-apocalyptic world. Bird boxing in dating terms speaks to “when someone is blind to how base the person they’re dating is”.
If so-and-so had no problem spending much on fine dining or droppin’ a love line from time to time, now he or she is flagrantly stingy with their expenses and walks the line between bein’ haughty and insistent. And you turn a blind eye (no pun intended).
But, much like any of the other practices mentioned above, the reality is that this has become the norm. Online dating is like jumpin’ a series of behavioural hurdles to get to the finish line. If you’re lucky, you’ll find the love of your life. And if you’re not, you’re stuck with the rest, fightin’ the zombies and ghosts amongst us..
Online dating 2.0 - an update or a glitch in falling in love? You decide.